Sunday, October 17, 2010

porto's makes me chonies tight

there are only 4 reasons why your underwear may suddenly feel tight.

1. you're bloating.
2. you accidently picked up your child's undies and thought they were yours.
3. you flipped your chonies around so that the back is the front and vice versa.
4. you ate too much at porto's.

when my underwear starts feeling tight, i know porto's is usually to blame. come on, cheap, good, sweet, and fried...such a recipe for disaster as i trade up my chonies for a larger size instead :(

horrible. awful. delicious. darn!

disgusting. fried. yummy. dang!

as you can see, my love-hate relationship with porto's can be summed up in these following heart clogging pictures and profuse use of repetitive adjectives:

cheese omelette in a sesame croissant ($3.25). served before 11am and guaranteed to hit the butter portion of your food pyramid. b-u-t-t-e-r......

the ropa vieja ($6.55). this sandwich did not rope me in with its flavors even though the ingredients sounded dynamite. what isn't there to love about cuban style shredded beef, bell peppers, onions, and tomato sauce in a cuban bread...unless it's SALTY and it was soooo salty. bleh.

the medianoche aka midnight sandwich ($3.65). between two slices of sweet roll lies slow roasted pork, ham, melty swiss cheese, pickles, and a slew of other condiments which makes your underwear tight. i think it's a tasty, hearty sandwich and a steal at that price. not to mention the pile of plantain chips too...yum!

the meat pie, or flaky disk of meaty love ($.70 each) is what i prefer to call them. puff pastry filled with seasoned ground beef. every savory bite leaves pastry freckles on your face. do get one or three.

potato balls ($.85 each). lovely, luscious, and absolutely addicting...a lot more interesting than the ones you have in your pants. the breaded exterior keeps the squishy mashed potato filling with seasoned ground beef from spilling out. do squeeze a little tapatio sauce on it before you bite because i promise you, you will have a mouthful of joy as you eat this shepard's pie-ish tasting spheres.

don't forget to order some desserts while you're at it. this apricot pastry was tasty and went well with the coffee. porto's is definitely known for their fruit tarts and cakes and is a truly wonderful place to pick up sweets for all occasions.

and do wash it all down with this virgin basil mojito ($2.95). a refreshing drink to counteract all the grease you will surely inhale when you're there.

the lines are always long and the weekends are the worse. but all you peoples, i must warn you once again that you WILL have tight underwear after this meal. trust me, i KNOW. as a matter of fact, i need to drop by the mall and pick a few bigger sized chonies. oh porto', fat maker.

Porto's Bakery & Cafe
315 N. Brand Blvd.
Glendale, CA 91203
(818) 956-5996

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!
Porto's Bakery (Glendale) on Urbanspoon
Porto's Bakery in Los Angeles on Fooddigger


  1. Everything makes my chonies tight.

    But Porto's is a good way to do it.

  2. OMG i am soo glad i dont have a portos so close by because when I do make it out there, i buy a dozen of those meat pies.

  3. sharon- let's raise our glasses to celebrate all tight chonies!

    stuffy- oh man! i am partial towards the balls.

  4. She said chonies. That's why I knew it was ok to use bukkake.

    I don't get porto's. The Chinese curry pastries kill beef patties all arouond...

  5. I credit Portos with contributing to my recent weight gain that even 5 days of figure skating can't burn off but it's SO worth it! My mom would bring home their pastries every friday so looking at this post brings back memories. My favorite drink is the dulce de leche latte! yum!

  6. Love portos. Love.

    You hit many of their good points but missed a few of my favs. I have to give a shout out to --

    The Masareal. LIke a guava cinnamon poptart. So SO good.
    The pork, garlic and lime sandwich. Under $4.50 and divine.
    And their cheese rolls. Light. flavorful and dirt cheap. If you can get them when they ahve just come out of the oven (like 9am saturday) you will almost cry. Yes, they are simple but yes, they are GOOD.

    Wonderful, wonderful place.

  7. tony- i trade you one porto's meat pie for your chinese curry pastry.

    bianca- that sounds like a good drink! i will have to try it next time. the porto's pounds are insane.

    oddlyme- good points. i didn't have a pic of the cheese rolls and they are delicious :) but the the pork, garlic, and lime sandwich i will definitely need to give it a try next time.


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