madame chocolat satiates my sweet tooth

i really love chocolates. that's practically my answer to everything. having a bad day? here, eat some chocolates. having pms? here, eat some chocolates. going into cardiac arrest and feeling like hell? here, eat some chocolates. if alcohol is the answer to some people's prayers, then chocolates would be mine, i kid you not.

so imagine my excitement when i was invited to madame chocolat in beverly hills for chocolate week. woot! you mean i get to eat chocolate...and a lot of it....and even more on top of that....if.i.want?

yes!

so off i went with my little sis in tow ready to taste some chocolates. after scoring parking right down the street, this little pretty chocolate shop met my eyes. wow! so dang cute. the interior was brightly lit with tons of easter decorations, both edible and otherwise.

the chocolate easter bunnies were pretty ginormous. i had fun photographing them......

until this one gave me the stink eye so i backed off. scary right?

oh cute! chinese pig! wouldn't mind taking a bite out of those ears.....

whut?! it's ok to eat dogs in america?!

and of course, tons, and tons of artisanal chocolates, hand dipped and hand crafted by hasty torres, the madame behind this boutique of chocolates. what a cutie! here she is, holding a chocolate fish which reminds her of her husband jacques torres who lives on a boat during most of his leisure time. awwwww, cute...both seem to be pretty good catches if you ask me.

oh yea baby, this is where the magic happens. talk about resisting the chocolate devil in me! the temptation to dunk my hands in each of those chocolate vats and then licking the streaming chocolate coursing down my hands proved to be pretty tough....

so i turned my attention to these chocolates instead because these i can eat legally AND without making a mess.

my favorite was the "ooh la la!" which has passion fruit ganache in your choice of either milk or dark chocolate. the only thing that stopped me from inhaling them by the fistful was the pinch i felt from my belt as it tightened. DELICIOUS.

the truffle was also rather tasty. the sharp contrast of the cocoa powder dusting made me feel like i licked a sweet, dusty cowboy. i don't know what made me think of that.

the mendiant was a bit hard for my granny teeth.

the inverted cafe chocolate which has expresso infused chocolate ganache. i liked the jolt.

the mademoiselle had a very strong raspberry presence. i believe you fulfill your daily intake of fruits and veggies from taking just one bite.

the citron has a white chocolate ganache blended with lime juice. i'm not normally a fan of white chocolate, but this little bite was rather refreshing. i dug this a lot as well.

the jus d' orange which tasted like an orange creamsicle. again, a fruity chocolate if you so desire. i thought it was tasty, too.

the monsieur which had jonnie walker blue label infused dark chocolate ganache. i thought it was rather mild.

and last but not least, this cute little ladybug called je t'aime which had a very light hint of peanut butter ganache. if you like the full bodied taste of robust roasted peanuts, this probably won't do it for you. if you have peanut allergies, then the light hint of peanut butter might not kill you, but don't believe me ok, i'm not a doctor.

as hasty explained, she was classically trained in french culinary techniques so you won't find bacon, curry, or peppercorn chocolates and the likes here, but you will find a solid variety of delicious chocolate sweets to satisfy that unsatiable sweet tooth you have. so as i walked away with a belly full of belgian chocolates, i thought how nice it would be to stroll around beverly hills with a sugar daddy in tow and drop by madame chocolat for some sweets after a day of luxury shopping. ahhhh tis the life that's not mine.....

Madame Chocolat

212 North Canon Drive

Beverly Hills, CA 90209

(310) 247-9990
http://www.madame-chocolat.com/

price: $
verdict: tasty, try it!

a sexy valentine

as you make plans for valentine's day (possibly a romantic dinner or a sweet surprise for your burning love), i ask that you consider throwing these candy thongs/candy bras into your plans as well. nothing says love me sweetly on a day devoted to love than candy covered private parts. red roses? meh? hard candy on penis? yes?

if you're wondering WHERE you must go to get these sexy candy undergarments, it may be of no surprise to you that they are located in the sex capital of the world, pasadena, california, in a little candy shop called temptations chocolate factory.

here in this candy shop, the temptations can be wholesome, like candied apples buried under mounds of chocolate, marshmellows, and other confections. i personally enjoy putting my mouth around the almond caramel apple. oh so mcdreamy in the pie hole.

for the record, the almond caramel apple is the only good tasting product in this shop! i find most of their candies to be old and stale or cheaply made, possibly just a step up from drugstore candy goods that are a few days old. their apples, on the other hand, are usually fresh and tart with just the right amount of sweetness from the thick layer of caramel. the crushed almonds provide a wonderful nuttiness to your hearty apple bite.

but if you are not tempted by apples, then there are other temptations (though not as tasty in my opinion), that harken to the chocolate whore in you such as blocks and blocks of fudge flavored with all kinds of decadence. i'm personally not much of a fudge fanatic so i can't vouch for these, but they are pretty to look at.

or you may be tempted by all things square-like, like these endless candy choices in "bar" forms like the m & m bar, the oreo bar, the mint bar, the almond bar, etc....nestled amongst all types of sugary sweetness made into balls and clusters.

of course for the kid in you, you might be tempted by old school candy of yore that can be bought in bulk. jelly beans, salt water taffy, sour gummies and the like. i wouldn't recommend getting those here though since they look kind of old and neglected and a bit faded from the sun.

or perhaps unconventional confections such as lollipops with worms and petite scorpions in the middle tempt you the most? well lucky you, there's a ton to be found here, though i've never tried them nor do i have plans to try any in the future.

or you can just settle for something naughty, like this frozen banana shlong. sadly, this frozen banana was the worse i've ever tasted. not only was it way too brown from being frozen for decades, the chocolate also tasted plasticky. bleh!

all in all, not the best place to pick up fancy chocolates, BUT, if you are ready to step outside of the box this valentine's day to pick up some candy undergarments for your loved one, then do drive over to temptation chocolate factory in pasadena. seriously, WHO can possibly say NO to you if you're wearing a candy thong?! happy bowchickabowwow to you.

Temptations Chocolate Factory
40 W Colorado Blvd
Pasadena, CA 91105
(626) 440-9149

price: $
verdict: it's aight

lactating at milk

Milk
7290 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90046
(323) 939-6455
http://www.themilkshop.com/

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

i must not be lactating enough because i found myself gorging on milk quite recently to maintain my jugs for future feeders. to me, milk means calcium, which means strong bones, which means healthy living and there is no better place that screams HEALTHY LIVING than milk.

my uber healthy meal started with a shared prosciutto and provolone pressed sandwich. i read somewhere (in a medical journal perhaps) that large amounts of salt is good for the body and i sure found that in this sammich! every bite of this prosciutto sammich was a salt lick. i only took a few bites before i gave up on it. their herb roasted chicken breast sammich that i had at another sitting is the tastier choice by far.

i then delved into the sugary side of this healthy lifestyle with a banana split chaser to my salt lick sammich. wowzers. this is perhaps one of the best renditions of an old school banana split i've had in a while. the ice cream (vanilla, chocolate, and banana) were full bodied and creamy, the fudge was warm and gooey, the freshly whipped cream was piled high on the dish which left soft kisses on your lips when you spooned the ice cream into your pie hole. the split was nutty and banana-y with the traditional cherry on top to remind you of its healthy aspects. this split was truly lip smacking.

it was also mandatory that we order a slice of their infamous blueberry blue velvet cake. just as i remembered, the ratio of moist cake to cream cheese frosting was perfect. the baked in blueberries gave a nice tartness to the surrounding sweetness. but true to form, when i went home that night, i pooped out some smurfs. i must admit, i was a bit disgusted by this second go at the porcelain throne and may not indulge myself in anymore future smurf cake. god knows it's not natural to have blue poop.

the heavy, yet healthy dinner was wrapped up with three ice cream bon bons at .50 cents a piece. i thought they were "ok" and was not impressed by them at all. i think as a self proclaimed ice cream whore, it is vital that i get more than just a bite. the only thing these bon bons did was make me desirous of their ice cream sammies....another excuse for me to go back i guess.

a sinfully decadent banana cream tart was brought home for enjoyment as well. the creamy banana center had fresh chunks of bananas. it was topped with freshly whipped cream and every bit of the gooeyness was held in with thick slabs of chocolate highly reminiscent of chocolate truffles. i COULD NOT eat more than a few bites of this as well at one sitting and the tart remained in my fridge for a few days, slowly enjoyed and cherished.

it is clear that if i want to live long, i have to patronize milk on a regular basis.

willy wonking it

Robitaille's Fine Candies
900 Linden Ave
Carpinteria, CA 93013
(805) 684-9340

price: $
verdict: tasty, try it!

god cursed me with a big ass but luckily did not dole out a double whammy by making me diabetic as well. sweet baby jesus that would suck so much given how often my sweet tooth aches. seriously, i seek out sweets like a cougar seeks out her young, succulent baby skinned prey. every day, all the time baby.

while up in carpenteria (you know, the carpet making capital of the world), i found robitaille's fine candies. it is a sleepy town for sure and a jolt of sweetness was just what the doctor ordered! it is a cute space with tons of candy ranging from chocolatey to fruity to gummy to yummy. they also have a huge selection of sugar free candy but i didn't touch that shit. nothing but processed sugar for this sweet temple that is my body.

baskets of cavities. can ya feel me?!

i bought myself a few bags of goodies, enough to satiate the sugar beast that resided in my pork belly. besides, i have the bad habit of eating with my eyes and tend to overorder or overbuy when it comes to food because i really want to taste everything but am wise enough not to always stuff face if i can help it. i seriously need to befriend a fellow sugar junkie so i can split my poisons.

the "inaugural mints" you see in the back are pretty tasty. they remind me of the green /brown andes mints that you can get at a grocery store. they are not as minty, but still creamy and delicious. i saw this woman grab 10 boxes while i was there so i was persuaded on the spot. i would totally get a box again though i would go for the smaller size since they taste old pretty quick.

my favorite was the assortment of salt water taffy. i particularly liked the banana inspired ones and my inner monkey was impressed by the banana fragrance that greeted my tongue. the chocolate mint balls reminded me of rx at ucla so i had to grab a bag as well. nothing tops sweet candy memories! the worse of the bunch were these, stale old shoes masquerading as butter cashew brittle. how pissed was i when i bit into the brittle and found out it was a fucked up confectioner's nightmare.

i don't plan to find myself in carpenteria often, but when i do, i will probably drop by robitaille for some sweet, sweet loving. it is especially sweet because of the old lady that runs it.

hum drum ethel

Ethel's Chocolate Lounge
3200 S Las Vegas Blvd
Las Vegas, NV 89109
(702) 796-6662
www.ethelschocolate.com

in the land of chocolatey goodness, ethel's chocolates sits right in the middle ground. it's definitely tastes better than store bought chocolates like hershey's or what not, but lacks the sophisticated and complex tastes that you might get at places like l'artisan in l.a. or vosges in ceasars palace. perhaps the best equivalent i can think of is see's candies.

the store itself is cute with little sitting areas for you to enjoy hot chocolate and other drinks. the display counter has a myriad of chocolates to choose from. when i was there last, i chose a caramel and toffee in milk chocolate and a truffle. each piece cost $2, but there is a "deal" when you get a box with a set number of pieces.

i wouldn't go out of my way to get chocolates here. i think with all the interesting flavor profiles that are being created by so many chocolatiers, ethel's chocolates would benefit from being a little more experimental themselves.

artistic chocolates

L'Artisan du Chocolat
3364 W 1st St
Los Angeles, CA 90004
(213) 252-8721
www.lartisanduchocolat.net

price: $
verdict: tasty, try it!

when you want to have sweet chocolate caressing your tongue and flavor profiles that flirt with your tastebuds and your mind, then COME HERE. l'artisan du chocolat is inventive, spectacular, and ohhhh soooooo delicious.

i came here recently to have a taste of sweetness. i sampled their white chocolate pineapple and their milk chocolate lavender...ahhhh. both pieces were creamy, smooth, with subtle hints of the pineapple and lavender flavors. let's just say, these flavors did not overwhelm my mouth with a sugary shock...instead, a chocolatey sweet harmony played itself out to my tastebuds. next time, forget the box, just jump into my mouth. i was on a gustatory high and traipsing on a chocolate cloud 9.

snooty chocolates

Vosges Haut-Chocolate
3500 Las Vegas Boulevard S
Las Vegas, NV 89109
(702) 836-9866
www.vosgeschocolate.com

price: $$$
verdict: tasty, try it!

chocolate...hhmmmm (i feel like homer simpson right about now)...such a wonderful product. it can be decadent, sexy, exciting, and experimental....hello vosges! when my friend and i stumbled upon this shop at caesars palace, we knew we were in for a whole new chocolate experience. they definitely sell designer chocolates there and this is reflected in their packaging, their shop, and their experimental tastes. you can be daring and choose truffles infused with exotic spices, or you can go the conservative route and choose ingredients that are familiar to your palate. i walked away with a cute box containing two delectable truffles; the viola and the woolloomooloo. we enjoyed our truffles at an "outside" cafe sipping our mochas while people watching.

the swan song

Chocolate Swan
3930 Las Vegas Blvd S., Ste 121B
Las Vegas, NV 89162
(702) 632-9366
www.chocolateswan.com

price: $$$
verdict: omg, i love it!

when i first discovered this place a few years ago, i must admit, my standard for chocolate eclairs changed FOREVA. the chocolate swan makes SUCH a scrumptious eclair!! it's a pillowy eclair covered in a nice dark chocolate with just the right amount of cream in the center. the swan beckons me to come back time and time again...no matter how drunk, how broke, or how rushed i find myself when i am in vegas. i typically buy a few smaller eclairs to take home in a box to prolong the chocolatey bliss, but the super behemoth of an eclair is meant to be bought and enjoyed with company. if you were to tackle that giant monster by yourself, you will surely keel over in a sweet, sweet death....which might not be a bad thing after all. good eats!! your sweet tooth will thank you!!

toffee for the tummy

Littlejohn's English Toffee House
6333 W 3rd St
Park La Brea, CA 90036
(323) 936-5379
www.littlejohnscandies.com

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

if you don't mind going down the road of weight gain or diabetes, come to little john's!! they make THE BEST toffee in the world. one bite will get you hooked for life and pretty soon you will be snorting this stuff. if you haven't tried it, YOU MUST! the perfect balance of sweetness with the soft crunch (oxymoron it is not) of the almond toffee will set your taste buds ablazing...but your muffin top won't be too happy about this discovery. eat wisely and in moderation. lol.