porto's makes me chonies tight

there are only 4 reasons why your underwear may suddenly feel tight.

1. you're bloating.
2. you accidently picked up your child's undies and thought they were yours.
3. you flipped your chonies around so that the back is the front and vice versa.
4. you ate too much at porto's.

when my underwear starts feeling tight, i know porto's is usually to blame. come on, cheap, good, sweet, and fried...such a recipe for disaster as i trade up my chonies for a larger size instead :(

horrible. awful. delicious. darn!



disgusting. fried. yummy. dang!

as you can see, my love-hate relationship with porto's can be summed up in these following heart clogging pictures and profuse use of repetitive adjectives:

cheese omelette in a sesame croissant ($3.25). served before 11am and guaranteed to hit the butter portion of your food pyramid. b-u-t-t-e-r......

the ropa vieja ($6.55). this sandwich did not rope me in with its flavors even though the ingredients sounded dynamite. what isn't there to love about cuban style shredded beef, bell peppers, onions, and tomato sauce in a cuban bread...unless it's SALTY and it was soooo salty. bleh.

the medianoche aka midnight sandwich ($3.65). between two slices of sweet roll lies slow roasted pork, ham, melty swiss cheese, pickles, and a slew of other condiments which makes your underwear tight. i think it's a tasty, hearty sandwich and a steal at that price. not to mention the pile of plantain chips too...yum!

the meat pie, or flaky disk of meaty love ($.70 each) is what i prefer to call them. puff pastry filled with seasoned ground beef. every savory bite leaves pastry freckles on your face. do get one or three.

potato balls ($.85 each). lovely, luscious, and absolutely addicting...a lot more interesting than the ones you have in your pants. the breaded exterior keeps the squishy mashed potato filling with seasoned ground beef from spilling out. do squeeze a little tapatio sauce on it before you bite because i promise you, you will have a mouthful of joy as you eat this shepard's pie-ish tasting spheres.

don't forget to order some desserts while you're at it. this apricot pastry was tasty and went well with the coffee. porto's is definitely known for their fruit tarts and cakes and is a truly wonderful place to pick up sweets for all occasions.

and do wash it all down with this virgin basil mojito ($2.95). a refreshing drink to counteract all the grease you will surely inhale when you're there.

the lines are always long and the weekends are the worse. but all you peoples, i must warn you once again that you WILL have tight underwear after this meal. trust me, i KNOW. as a matter of fact, i need to drop by the mall and pick a few bigger sized chonies. oh porto's...you, fat maker.

Porto's Bakery & Cafe
315 N. Brand Blvd.
Glendale, CA 91203
(818) 956-5996

www.portosbakery.net

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

x-rated eatings at mario's italian deli and market

i've never understood the allure of a "bad boy." what's there to like about rude dudes that make you worry and feel disrespected all the time? i've known friends that ONLY date bad boys, but the end was always the same...lots of tears and therapy sessions at a bar. good thing i like my guys straight-laced and nice...that is, until i met mario.

i was first swept off my feet by mario's sausages. they are thick and spicy, just the way i like it. if you love a good sausage, then believe you me, mario's sausages are quite the mouthful and will leave you clamoring for more, and clamor you will, i guarantee it.

then i went back because i discovered his other offerings (click on the pic if the small print fails ya).

i already knew he had a good sausage, but i discovered he was a "bad boy" as well. although it was against my nature to even associate with one, the honey maple turkey and avacado description seemed too entincing to deny. against my better judgement i ordered one and took a bite.....

the bad boy sammich came to me so very thick and glorious.

an awakening occured within me when i wrapped my mouth around that toothsome sammich. the only noise i made was "omfg!" did the heavens sing?! YES! better yet, was it orgasmic?! HELLS YES! the symphony of flavors that stormed on my tongue swept through a heavenly spectrum of sweet, savory, and tarty flavor profiles. each component of the bad boy sammich was critical for an absolutely heavenly explosion in my mouth. omg, i love you, you bad, bad, bad boy!

there are most certainly many other things to try at mario's, being a delicious deli and whatnot.

BUT when i'm there, i only have a one tracked mind because even though i never thought i would want a bad boy, it was only after meeting mario that i discovered that that’s all i ever need OR want….

Mario's Italian Deli & Market
740 E Broadway
Glendale, CA 91205
(818) 242-4114
mariosdeli.com

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

bear grylls would not approve

you don't have to be like bear grylls from man vs. wild who can eat a live fish straight out of the river to prove that you enjoy sushi. in fact, isn't it nicer to be able to sit at the sushi bar as you enjoy your choice of the freshest dead fish available? then you can sling down a cup of sake or two or perhaps pop a few edamame pearls in your mouth as you enjoy your sushi eating experience. i definitely don't do sushi bear grylls style, though i do enjoy fresh sushi. i especially love a dark, fresh piece of magenta colored maguro or the creamy ocean taste of my beloved uni. but not everybody enjoys the raw taste of sushi so if you don't, but would love a sushi-esque experience, come here to sushi kai in glendale...you poser :)

the inside of sushi kai is absolutely red and cavernous. modern aluminum backed chairs are the thrones for your eating experience. as i walked in with my eating partner in crime, i noticed that we were the ONLY asians present, other than the wait staff and sushi chefs. interesting.

we originally opted to sit at the sushi bar, but the strong stench of sterile, super cleaning products that had emitted from the restrooms nearby drove me to a quiet table at the other side of the dining area. the thought of gagging as i ate did not sit well with me...go figure.

a quick study of the menu indicated to me that they specialized in creative rolls and fish dishes that don't require you to taste the rawness of fish...in fact, the sashimi/regular sushi choices were actually quite slim. NO WONDER we were the only asians there!

so i let me friend order because he's not too big on the raw sushi taste anyways so the sushi kai menu was right up his alley. we started off with the 911 roll which was a spicy tuna roll topped with slices of avacado. i thought this roll was tasty and the presentation was so dang cute! look at the itty bitty crabs that adorned the dish. now, if you ask me if i can taste the tuna, i would say no.

the hawaiian roll came up next which was spicy tuna, crab, pepper seared tuna in a garlic sesame sauce. again, i thought the roll was tasty, but if you wanted that fresh sushi taste, the overwhelming garlic sauce did a great job of masking it.

the albacore salad. again, the sushi chef laid a heavy hand on the dressing so all you tasted was a citrusy miso-esque dressing. the albacore was also sliced into little chunks which made me feel like i was picking up pieces of cheerios. this dish could have been skipped.

i requested the albacore citrus ceviche which was also a fail. the yuzu citrus marinade was so overpowering that my tastebuds couldn't distinguish whether the meat i had in my mouth came from a fish or a toad. look, great way to serve up bad cuts of fish by masking the quality with the sauces (not to claim that they are, but i'm just sayin'), but surely you don't think you're a bone fide sushi restaurant if MOST of your dishes are seeped in potent sauces or creams that masks the lovely raw fish taste. at this point, i was pretty done with their fish offerings.

my friend wanted to order their hamachi kama (yellowtail collar) but sushi kai had run out of this specialty for the night. instead, they brought us complimentary apology appetizers such as their fire balls which were rolled up, cooked salmon with a panko crust. jenny craig would not approve, nor my tastebuds. great, now i have my muffin top AND my tongue revolting against me.

they also brought out a martini glass sampling of their pop shrimp festival which tasted like a love child conceived by a sexy shrimp and the panda express orange chicken. my penchant for fried sweet things were wooed by this shrimp festival. i likey!

the meal finally ended with the biggest lump of tempura ice cream on the face of the earth. thin slices of sponge cake were wrapped around a big ball of green tea ice cream, then coated with light batter and fried. heavenly it was not. the thick crust just made it harder to get to the ice cream.

this ball of green tea ice cream was better protected than even a bullet proof vest wearing cop! look at the crazy thick tempura shell.

when it was time to bid sushi kai a loud "adios!" my friend left saying he wouldn't mind coming back to try more rolls...i left thinking, omg, i didn't eat any sushi tonight :( since each roll ran between $11-$15, i think for the next time, i will save my duckets and duck into a real sushi restaurant instead. OR, i can go down to the l.a. river and take a bite out of one of those fishes swimming there a la bear grylls style.

Sushi Kai
143 S Maryland Ave
Glendale, CA 91209
(818) 243-7393

price: $$
verdict: it's aight

french at the american

CrepeMaker

227 Americana

Glendale, CA 91210
http://www.crepemaker.com/

price: $

verdict: tasty, try it!

once in a while, i find myself roaming about the americana. not often though because giggly teenagers and large crowds in a small space do not a good day make. besides, it's the bastard child of the grove but DOES NOT have the coolio farmer's market attached to it that saves it from being "just another teenager's hangout." so in short, i don't visit it often if i can help it.

but when i AM there, i like to visit the crepe maker for their chicken pesto crepe. there's usually a good wait for it, but i think it's probably due to its affordability relative to what gets offered at the americana. the service isn't very fast either, being that there's about two people staffed there regardless of customer volume.

so the last time i went, i got the chicken pesto crepe again....suprise! did you squirt from the suprise like this guy did?

i think it is probably the best crepe on their menu after tasting a few other savory ones and their dessert crepes which were mediocre bordering on nasty. but the pesto chicken YUM so if i were you, i'd go for this one. huge effer though so i suggest that you share with a friend lest you don't mind going up in pant size.

my favorite part of the crepe is the crepe itself. it is not soft like traditional crepes but hard and crispy but not crackily. the best comparison i can come up with is a fried eggroll shell WITHOUT the oilyness that comes from fried foods. it's lovely.

this crepe is also filled to the brim with cheese, basil, tomato chunks, chicken, and pesto sauce. it's pretty delicious for the first few bites, but once you get to the bottom half of it, it gets a bit nauseating because the cheese is pretty overpowering. i urge you to share this sucker, no really! i had to throw 20% of mine away because i couldn't heif it down no mo'!

anyways, nothing to write home to mom about, but if you HAPPEN to be at the americana and HAPPEN to get hungry and HAPPEN to have only a few bucks in your pocket, i would pop by for a crepe. ONLY the CHICKEN PESTO crepe ya hear?!

was it grand at granville?

Granville Cafe
807 Americana Way
Glendale, CA 91210
(818) 550-0472
http://www.granvillecafe.com/

price: $$
verdict: it's aight

it is a goddamn waste of food to eat when you are sick. instead of feeding my germ ridden pie hole that can't differentiate between tar and peanut butter, i could have taken this food to feed an orphan. i heard oliver is still a tad hungry but alas it was wasted on my sickly bum instead.

anyways, a preplanned meeting with some of my golden girls meant a quick visit to granville cafe at the americana for dinner. there were no particular reasons why it was chosen other than the basic requirements of ample parking, shopping options for the early comers, and a diverse menu for us gaggle of geese to choose from. it's like a cpk but not really, a grand lux cafe kind of, a macaroni grille sort of...you get my point. it's like all the prefabbed eateries out there that screams out "chain restaurant" and tries to pass itself off as "classier eats" for the young ones to impress their dates. i think not. i am not young nor am i impressionable.

we started off with one of their "shareables," the mac and cheese. not exactly sure of the flavors because of my deadened tastebuds, i can however, comment on the texture. the mac was soft and cheesy but the croutons interspersed throughout the dish gave it a good crunch. i can also comment on it visually...do these macs look like engorged maggots to you? i thought they did but i spooned them in my pie hole like a good little asian girl. besides, i didn't eat at all that day and it logically made sense to put some grub in my bod.

if my tastbuds were in top form, i would have ordered their burger. i heard that it is a kickass piece ole meat and the flavors secreted from this burger bite would make love to your tongue. since i was too deadened to pursue any love making, i decided to go for their chicken bleu cheese pizza. it is topped with grilled chicken, bleu cheese, ham, red onions, pine nuts, and a basil leaf to keep it sophisticated. again, i am not the best judge of what i ate, but i recall intensely sweet and intensely salty pockets of flavors from the pizza. i recall i didn't like it so much. i also recall that granville sucks. i recall i need to tell my friends who avoid places without ample parking that a big parking lot does not equate to good flavors. i believe denny's has a big ole parking lot.

dry, not moist. whut?!

Van Bakery

1000 E. Broadway Ave.

Glendale, CA 91205

(818) 548-1000

price: $

verdict: hells no!

if you need a good sponge to clean your house, i have the perfect one for you. it's called the coffee roll at van bakery. yep, confused? so was i. i thought i bought a slice of cake, but instead, i must have bought a piece of sponge. it was so dry when i ate it that it sucked up all the moisture from my tongue as soon as it touched it. but you see, like a true foodie, i gave it many tries. one bite, two bites, three...almost gone and it STILL tasted like styrofoam with greasy frosting. i couldn't quite persist anymore and did the one thing chinese folks don't like to do...throw away food. i threw that shit away.

was that the only craptastic baked good i had there? oh no, i also bought cheese and philly cream cheese rolls. both had super flaky shells made from phyllo dough i suspect. mmm, a good start. but unbeknownst to me, there must be a cheese AND philly cream cheese shortage in this world because the thinnest of thinnest layers of filling were in these rolls and 90% of what you ate was the crust.

all three items came out to be $3. not bad at all right...until i realize that i threw most of it away.

heart attacks

Hot Wings Cafe
314 N Brand Blvd
Glendale, CA 91203
(818) 247-4445

price: $$
verdict: it's aight

god created eve by using adam's rib. god created me by using a fried chicken bone. seriously, my love for fried things, chicken wangs in this case, is utterly disgusting. can you just picture grease running down my chin? sexy, sexy, ooohhh la la.

i had a bad case of hot wings craving and came down here for a quick dinner with a friend. we started our anti-jenny craig dinner with their traditional philly cheesesteak sandwich. the bread roll was a bit stale and the steak had no flavor. the provolone cheese that topped it was a delicious looking melty mess, but once consumed proved that good looks does nothing for you in food as well. the cheese tasted plasticky. blah! it was one useless sandwich and a waste of $7.50.

we then moved on to our large order of buffalo style chicken wings. we asked our server to split this 16 piece wing order into 1/2 mild, 1/2 hot. to be honest with you, i couldn't quite taste the difference between the two. the hot sauce is of the vinegary kind but not too overwhelmingly tart that it makes you breathe in quickly when you bite it. the wings were somewhat plump and meaty without too much fatty skin, a quality i appreciate after having too much experience with anorexic wings or fatty flappers. i preferred the ranch dip to go with these wangs, though they provide you a bleu cheese dip as well. the wings passed with an ok nod from me. good but not great.

we also had a side of zucchini fries because the total fat grams that night were just not high enough. they were chunky and soggy which are probably the grossest adjectives for fried foods. the breading did not coat the zucchini sticks well which added to the mushy mess that we ate. and did i eat it all? of course!! i am a slave to all things fried.

as i punch out the last letters to this review and feel my heart skip a beat in a bad way, i decided i will probably go back one day, but only for their buffalo wings if i crave some and find myself in glendale. it is hard to deny this fried side of life.

really good at raffi's

Raffi's Place Restaurant
211 E Broadway
Glendale, CA 91205
(818) 240-7411

price: $$
verdict: omg, i love it!

dearest raffi,

we've known each other for over 10 years now. i don't want to pinpoint the exact time frame less i want to embarass myself with the knowledge that your basmati rice and kabobs have increased my tush size considerably for so long.

there are so many reasons to love you. i love you for the stacks of flat bread that you give at the start of the meal. i love you for your perfectly cooked basmati rice that makes me eat uncontrollably. i love you for your kabobs and filet mignon that is soooo juicy and sooooo tender....just like you. did i hear you whisper "soltani?" omg, i love you! i love you for being the place that housed so many wonderful memories, for my heart as well as my belly.

dearest raffi. if valentines was every day of the year, i would ask you every day to be mine.

your fan,
bagnatic;)

honey drenched nuts

Baklava Factory Food Products
1415 E. Colorado Street, Suite K
Glendale, CA 91205
(818) 548-7070
www.baklavafactory.com

price: $
verdict: not worth my time

i'm going to preface this review by saying i have "asian" taste buds when it comes to desserts. that means i don't like my sweets overly sweet. oxymoron you might say? bite me.

baklava factory is a few steps away from zankou. not feeling fat enough from stuffing face there, i went to pick up dessert. i definitely felt out of sorts here, not because it was unpleasant, but because this place really does house a wide range of baklava/sweets to choose from and most which i'm hardly familiar with. i decided to get one of most things and went home for a taste test.

in general, i think everything i brought home was too sweet. i'm not a huge fan of items drenched in honey but that's what it was...items drenched with honey and stuffed with nuts. except for this one piece that i remember called the "finger" which was pretty yummay. but really? would i go back just to get the "finger?" i get that all the time on the 405 and it's free! but if you are a baklava whore, i imagine all their goodies there are probably pretty tasty. it's just not for me though....too sweet.

mario has juicy sausages

Mario's Italian Deli & Market
740 E Broadway
Glendale, CA 91205
(818) 242-4114
mariosdeli.com

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

ron jeremy might have the biggest shlong in porn, but mario's has the thickest sausage by far (yes, i like using outdated porn as reference for my reviews).

have you ever tried mario's sausages? holy crap they are tasty. and for roughly $2.50ish a pound, you can buy up as many tasty but cheap sausages as you want to go! i recommend the spicy ones because frankly, the other sausages look a bit thin and limp. i don't know about you, but thin and limp sausages don't exactly excite me. best thing is that you can cook them at home at your own leisure! they are especially perfect for nights when you want a good sausage but don't want to deal with the hassle of going to the local bar to find one. and imagine this, these sausages aren't attached to hairy bodies that sometimes fart in the middle of the night. sweet.

limey ceviche is goot!

Mamita Peruvian Restaurant

714 S Brand Blvd

Glendale, CA 91204

(818) 243-5121

price: $$

verdict: omg, i love it!

i had a seriously debilitating craving for ceviche one night and dragged my buddy down to mamita's to 1) satisfy my crave 2) to try out a peruvian restaurant that i've been hankering to try. i love killing two birds with one stone!

it was inevitable that my eyes were bigger than my belly once we situated ourselves in a booth. we ended up ordering a seafood soup (it's the first one on the menu under soups...forgot the name), ceviche mixto, fried calamari, and lomo saltado. the ceviche was ON POINT! delicious! i LOVED the sourness and the spicy kick to it. it satisfied my ceviche craving for sure and the squid and octopus tentacles were fabulous. the soup was equally delicious. very hearty and stocked full of seafood to pick from. the lomo saltado was probably my least favorite dish out of the four. the beef is tough and based on my previous experience at mario's, i'm beginning to realize that perhaps this dish is just not my thang. tough meat does not excite me unless it's beef jerky. the fried calamari was good...but then again, when are fried things ever NOT good?

the dishes are a bit on the pricier side, but the food is consistently good which helps sooth the wallet a bit. i would come back when i get my ceviche cravings again.

peruvian done right!

black cow, NOT mad cow

Black Cow Cafe
2219 Honolulu Ave
Montrose, CA 91020
(818) 957-5282
http://www.whatscookninc.com/black_cow1.htm

price: $$
verdict: omg, i love it!

how now black cow.

mmm, this place is pretty tasty. my buddy and i went here for dinner one night and was pleasantly suprised by the cottage quaintness of the place. it looked like a chic farm and was soooo cozy on a cold day. the food was pretty spectacular too and the service was good. what a great spot!

i ended up ordering their mushroom ravioli entree and AGAIN, was pleasantly suprised by black cow's rendition of it. the soupy tomato sauce was a perfect way to warm up from the cold weather we had just escaped from. it was sweet with a tartness to it. the ravioli was savory and the portion size was just right. a definite winner and a repeat if i ever find myself in montrose and hankered me some black cow grub.

two entrees, one glass of chardonney, and a drink set us back about $42 (tip not included). not bad considering that the ambience and food was top notch.

rose garden in your mouth

Mashti Malone's
143 N Maryland Avenue
Glendale, CA 91206
(818) 662-0400
www.mashtimalone.com

price: $
verdict: tasty, try it!

i have a soft spot for ice cream....as a matter of fact, i have a soft ass from eating too many!

persian ice cream is no exception. i've tried other persian places that serve/sell rosewater ice cream and mashti malone's tastes the best by far. they even offer rosewater ice which is strangely yummay and strangely vietnamese-esque to me because of those rice strands (?) in the ice...minus the rose fragrance of course. and yes, all the descriptions you hear about eating lotion or perfume is pretty on the mark. you'd have to enjoy smelling roses and then stuffing them in your mouth, too. it definitely won't cure your bad breath, but it will make you think of roses in a whole new way.

ichiban it's not

Ichiban
120 S Brand Blvd
Glendale, CA 91204
(818) 242-9966

price: $$
verdict: it's aight

my coworkers and i come here often after work when we need quasi japanese food quickly. i usually order their 3 item dinner combo meal...salmon teriyaki, gyozas, and tempura. over the past year and a half, this is what i noticed about their menu items:

-their salmon teriyaki piece keeps shrinking. the last time i checked, i'm NOT a smurf, so please give me the correct portion size. thank you.-they like to make tempura onion rings...which is such a good way to cheap you out.-their baked green mussels with the mayo on top is GROSS. yuck. barf.-they give you a lot of rice so you can fill up.-their sesame chicken are oily bits of meat nuggets.-i like their filtered tap water.

so my conclusion? you get exactly what you pay for. it's a cheap meal and you get ok tasting food. you usually get seated right away and parking is fine because there's a garage right across the street (i really love that). i guess at the end of a long, tiring day at work, finding the most delicious meal ever is not always the first thing on my mind.

a brand of sushi

Sushi On Brand

308 N Brand Blvd

Glendale, CA 91203

(818) 241-0133

http://www.sushionbrand.com/

price: $$

verdict: tasty, try it!

i came here with friends for dinner and ate the biggest sushi meal ever. i ate like there was a famine coming and i was supplementing my padding to insure survival. anyways, sushi bought individually here can be pricey. i got uni (2 orders), maguro, albacore, spicy tuna roll, scallop, and a spider roll (yes, i inhaled it all on my own and was still able to waddle out of the restaurant without assistance) and it came out to be about $60 for just plain me...that's not including tip which took me a lot over. unless there was a miscalculation somewhere, i think that's pricey for a dinner where alcohol wasn't even involved.

the sushi is fresh and the facility is clean. it is a good find in glendale.

to accompany your fish.