pregnant with pastrami at langer's delicatessen-restaurant

it is pretty ballsy when one says they are the "best" at something. case in point, j-lo had the "best ass" not too long ago, but then kim kardashian busts into the scene hinny first and now touts the best booty on the block. methinks it's better not to call something "best" just so there's less pressure. the higher the expectations, the further the fall for your round buttocks. the whole point is that the term "best" is purely subjective so whatever i say next is just my opinion ok....

langer's in westlake makes the best pastrami sandwiches. there, i just used the word "best."

they also have the best cream soda ($2.95). THERE, i used that "b" word again.

the matzo ball soup ($3.25) was pretty darn good too. not the best, but close to it, like a stepsister of the best. the soup tasted like it had simmered for hours and was as potent as 80 chickens boiled in one stock pot. a spoonful might make you cluck uncontrollably...i dare you to try it for yourself you naysayer.

ohhh...and the best pastrami sandwich ($14.45) ever, the wicked #19. though this is not my first visit to langer's, i am always drawn to this sandwich like a moth to a flame a la janet jackson. HOWEVER, i do plan to take a serious look at the menu next time and order something else. ahh, new year, new promises.

#19 = unctuous slabs of pastrami with a chilled mound of slaw with russian style dressing and a slice of swiss cheese between uber crusty slices of rye bread. the marriage between these ingredients was just magical i tell ya, magical.

so the best pastrami sandwich can be had here at langer's and though the hours are limited, between 8am-4pm monday through saturday, i urge you to make the trek out to westlake if you haven't already to try what may be deemed as the BEST pastrami sandwich in l.a...according to many sources...the most reliable one being my belly.

you can even call for curb side service if you can't find parking in their small private lot on alvarado and westlake. BUT i urge you, DO make the effort. once you take a bite out of their pastrami offerings, i'm sure you won't be able to resist the lure of langer's pastrami on a consistent basis and you will see that your buttocks will grow just as thick and as round as kim kardashian's.

Langer's Delicatessen-Restaurant
704 S. Alvarado St.
Los Angeles, CA 90057
(213) 483-8050

www.langersdeli.com

price: $$
verdict: omg, i love it!

porto's makes me chonies tight

there are only 4 reasons why your underwear may suddenly feel tight.

1. you're bloating.
2. you accidently picked up your child's undies and thought they were yours.
3. you flipped your chonies around so that the back is the front and vice versa.
4. you ate too much at porto's.

when my underwear starts feeling tight, i know porto's is usually to blame. come on, cheap, good, sweet, and fried...such a recipe for disaster as i trade up my chonies for a larger size instead :(

horrible. awful. delicious. darn!



disgusting. fried. yummy. dang!

as you can see, my love-hate relationship with porto's can be summed up in these following heart clogging pictures and profuse use of repetitive adjectives:

cheese omelette in a sesame croissant ($3.25). served before 11am and guaranteed to hit the butter portion of your food pyramid. b-u-t-t-e-r......

the ropa vieja ($6.55). this sandwich did not rope me in with its flavors even though the ingredients sounded dynamite. what isn't there to love about cuban style shredded beef, bell peppers, onions, and tomato sauce in a cuban bread...unless it's SALTY and it was soooo salty. bleh.

the medianoche aka midnight sandwich ($3.65). between two slices of sweet roll lies slow roasted pork, ham, melty swiss cheese, pickles, and a slew of other condiments which makes your underwear tight. i think it's a tasty, hearty sandwich and a steal at that price. not to mention the pile of plantain chips too...yum!

the meat pie, or flaky disk of meaty love ($.70 each) is what i prefer to call them. puff pastry filled with seasoned ground beef. every savory bite leaves pastry freckles on your face. do get one or three.

potato balls ($.85 each). lovely, luscious, and absolutely addicting...a lot more interesting than the ones you have in your pants. the breaded exterior keeps the squishy mashed potato filling with seasoned ground beef from spilling out. do squeeze a little tapatio sauce on it before you bite because i promise you, you will have a mouthful of joy as you eat this shepard's pie-ish tasting spheres.

don't forget to order some desserts while you're at it. this apricot pastry was tasty and went well with the coffee. porto's is definitely known for their fruit tarts and cakes and is a truly wonderful place to pick up sweets for all occasions.

and do wash it all down with this virgin basil mojito ($2.95). a refreshing drink to counteract all the grease you will surely inhale when you're there.

the lines are always long and the weekends are the worse. but all you peoples, i must warn you once again that you WILL have tight underwear after this meal. trust me, i KNOW. as a matter of fact, i need to drop by the mall and pick a few bigger sized chonies. oh porto's...you, fat maker.

Porto's Bakery & Cafe
315 N. Brand Blvd.
Glendale, CA 91203
(818) 956-5996

www.portosbakery.net

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

i picked a dud at little dom's deli

one of the worse kinds of eating experiences, other than finding a roach in your food, is to pick the wrong item off of any menu while everybody else hits a gustatory jackpot. you know what i mean. while everybody smacks their lips praising what they ordered and devouring their said awesome item, you sit there picking through yours just WISHING you had ordered differently. perhaps you start whining a bit, attempt to play the pathetic card so others may offer you a morsel of theirs. OR if you're anything like me, you make do with what you have and burn this item in your memory as a NEVER-EVER-order-it-again item. fyi, my brain is full of these kinds of useless never-ever notes.

not too long ago, i ate at little dom's deli in los feliz which left me with one of those never-ever notes. this experience was rather disappointing given the good things i've heard about its mother restaurant, little dom's.

but back to the deli...the deli menu is rather diverse, with all kinds of interesting sounding salads, hot and cold sammiches, pastries, and a variety of deli meats and cheeses to go. after the usual "what are you getting?" discussions with my party of four, i ordered my truffled chicken salad & arugula sammich ($10.95). it was tough not to grab a package of these sweets as well.

when our sandwiches arrived and we all took our initial bites, i heard nothing but satisfied sighs around the table....except for me. ack, i picked a dud! dangit! this sammich looked great and i was allured by the "truffle" aspect of it, but the creamy chunks of chicken were severely underseasoned. in fact, i think a sweaty gym towel might have more flavor than this sandwich. not wanting to face the sad truth of picking the failed item in the group, i nabbed myself some salt to sprinkle on the sammich. it still did nothing for the overall taste of it *sigh*

not to mention that the bread was rather chewy. if i had dentures, then that's one issue, but my beaver-like teeth can bite off evander holyfield's other ear, but biting this bread it could not. i've never met such a tough piece of bread in my life. i left on my plate what i couldn't gnaw.

to be fair, everybody else in my group enjoyed their sandwiches and my dud of a sandwich does not bespeak of the the overall quality of this deli. but to also be honest, the plethora of dining choices out there and the tightness of my wallet does not afford me the luxury of giving many second chances so i probably won't come back. besides, parking in los feliz sucks :0

although i have no desire to go back to the deli, i have yet to partake in the offerings of the main restaurant, little dom's, and look forward to it. besides, they currently offer $15 monday suppers which intrigues my tastebuds and my wallet.

Little Dom's Deli
2128 Hillhurst Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90027
(323) 661-0055
www.littledoms.com

price: $$
verdict: ?

x-rated eatings at mario's italian deli and market

i've never understood the allure of a "bad boy." what's there to like about rude dudes that make you worry and feel disrespected all the time? i've known friends that ONLY date bad boys, but the end was always the same...lots of tears and therapy sessions at a bar. good thing i like my guys straight-laced and nice...that is, until i met mario.

i was first swept off my feet by mario's sausages. they are thick and spicy, just the way i like it. if you love a good sausage, then believe you me, mario's sausages are quite the mouthful and will leave you clamoring for more, and clamor you will, i guarantee it.

then i went back because i discovered his other offerings (click on the pic if the small print fails ya).

i already knew he had a good sausage, but i discovered he was a "bad boy" as well. although it was against my nature to even associate with one, the honey maple turkey and avacado description seemed too entincing to deny. against my better judgement i ordered one and took a bite.....

the bad boy sammich came to me so very thick and glorious.

an awakening occured within me when i wrapped my mouth around that toothsome sammich. the only noise i made was "omfg!" did the heavens sing?! YES! better yet, was it orgasmic?! HELLS YES! the symphony of flavors that stormed on my tongue swept through a heavenly spectrum of sweet, savory, and tarty flavor profiles. each component of the bad boy sammich was critical for an absolutely heavenly explosion in my mouth. omg, i love you, you bad, bad, bad boy!

there are most certainly many other things to try at mario's, being a delicious deli and whatnot.

BUT when i'm there, i only have a one tracked mind because even though i never thought i would want a bad boy, it was only after meeting mario that i discovered that that’s all i ever need OR want….

Mario's Italian Deli & Market
740 E Broadway
Glendale, CA 91205
(818) 242-4114
mariosdeli.com

price: $
verdict: omg, i love it!

foraging at forage

it's not tough to forage for food in silverlake. just about everywhere you turn, there is a place that will suit your eating needs: raw, sustainable, meaty, sweet, healthy, deadly, alcoholic....this place has a lot of good stuff. LOTS. so no fear for us when we walked charlie around the neighborhood and our stomaches started grumbling. all we had to do was pick a spot that will allow a smelly dog to sit by us.

my sis heard about forage and their pork belly sammich so when she uttered ppooooooork beeeeeeeeellly, i was immediately sold. holy crap pork belly done well is freakin' awesome and i want something freakin' awesome in my piehole.

as you enter forage, you are 1) met with tons of patrons on a saturday afternoon and 2) 80% of the folks ordering the p belly sammich. i joined that 80% and awaited my turn to get impressed.

the daily quiche also seemed pretty popular and so were the ample vegetarian sides.

while we waited for the orders to come to us, charlie sniffed a few drive by butts. man there's a lot of 4 legged animals roaming about. i love it!

my friend ordered a medium sized jidori chicken which came with a piece of dark meat and a piece of chicken breast ($12) with a medium side of fingerling potato salad with arugula pesto and pine nuts ($6.75). though the chicken was moist and flavorful and the skin was crackly, it was nothing special. my friend was a bit disappointed and eyeballed my pork belly sammich the whole time until i decided to share.

and here, my friends, is the pork belly sammich ($9.50) with slices of pork belly, cabbage, fennel, tomato, and a green garlic aioli in a crusty baguette. i opted to change my side of soup for a side of farro, sugar snap peas, snow peas, and english peas for an extra charge ($1.50).

man this sammich was rather fantastic. the bread was crusty and buttery. the pork belly slices had a good char to it and the viscous nature of its fat was tamed by the tart cabbage and fennel slaw that went on top of it. this combination allowed my lucky piehole to enjoy the amalgam of rich savory pork belly flavors without a mouthful of grease. DELICIOUS. i'm so glad my sis and i followed the other 80% of their customers and ordered this. the farro side also added a nice minty ruffage to my meal.

it was indeed a delicious lunch at:

Forage
3823 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(323) 663-6885
http://www.foragela.com/

price: $$
verdict: omg, i love it!

belly bites a banh mi at mr. baguette

when the banh mi crave hits hard, even if you're in kansas, you try to catch the first twister that will take you to the nearest banh mi shop to break some crusty bread smeared with pate. if you live in silverlake, you get on the 10 east and exit atlantic to head over to mr. baguette. why mr. baguette you might wonder? mr. baguette is quite yummy and touts itself as a "house of quality" so who am i to ignore what people say about themselves.

the shop is engrish friendly with a lot of pictures and descriptions posted (thought i'd mention that especially if you're a banh mi newb). it's a super clean place and i believe they have wi-fi because i always see people there with their laptops. if not, it's still a good place to catch a breather or to use as a study area while you munch. they don't care if you sit there forever...not that i would recommend that since you're probably important and busy.

their banh mis are not THE cheapest by far, but it's still rather cheap hovering around the $3+ mark. i'm also a big fan of their crusty bread which is soft in the middle and super flakey on the outside. you literally hear your bite resonate in your being as little crust pieces cling to the corners of your mouth after the destruction caused by your pearly whites. and if you're a sesame lova as well, then holla, you can get your preferred banh mi fillings in a long crusty sesame bread.

i don't stray too far from the banh mi dac biet which in my opinion is the best banh mi in the universe. the savory harmony of zaw, vietnamese head cheese, and pate creates the most robust bite in your mouth, making it difficult for me to choose anything else. THAT'S WHY you get two, one dac biet and something else and save whatever that's left over for later. the good thing about mr. baguette is the conscious decision to separate the pickled carrots and daikon from the sandwich to prevent soggy bread action. you put the rest of the contents in when you're ready...and baby, shouldn't you always be ready for some banh mi lovin'?

i find it funny that they layer the meats like shingles.

i sometimes pick up a box of their "garlic croustillant" which is tasty if you like snacking on croutons like i do. and i admire their efforts in making a profit with days old bread.

but if you just want to pick up a tasty banh mi, then mr. baguette won't disappoint. it is, after all, made in a house of quality and it will shoot your tastebuds to the moon.

Mr. Baguette

400 S Atlantic Blvd

Monterey Park, CA 91754

(626) 282-9966
http://www.mrbaguettesandwiches.com/

price: $

verdict: tasty, try it!

say cheese....cheese!

based on the sheer number of doggy doo doo that you see littered around silverlake, it is clear that silverlakers enjoy the company of their four legged friends (HOWEVER, does not enjoy picking up doo doo. *insert rant* please don't have your dog doo on my newly planted japanese maple tree and just leave it there. your dog's ass hole is the size of a baseball and baseball sized doo doo comes out of it. i don't want to pick it up for you no mo!).

after a long walk with charlie around the hood and the reservoir, i ended up at the coffee table. but to my shock and amazement, i found out dogs were not allowed in their patio area. that made me very hungry and extremely sad because the smells that emitted from their kitchen were amazing. for a second, i contemplated ditching charlie to grab some of their grub. but god slapped me across my face and i knew that was a vile, vile thought so we kept walking until we came across the say cheese cafe which allowed my four legged companion to sit with me whilst i fed me belly.

"mommy, don't ever think about ditching me for a sammich cuz i'll chew through your favorite shoes like last time! better recognize!"

sitting outside while watching the horrific weekend traffic jam that unfolds at the trader joe's/gelsons junction is rather painful. why o' why do people insist on making left turns into a packed up, trader joe's sardine tin parking lot and then subsequently jam up everybody else's drive? then honking, honking, honking as i sipped my ice tea. the best was when a car drove by with some old school hip hop bumping out of their stereo system. charlie couldn't take it and scrambled around my chair in confusion. ahhh, to live and dine in l.a. a la tupac.

the menu at the say cheese cafe consists mainly of sammiches and salads with a few breakfast items during restricted brunching hours. i decided on the rivoli because hot pressed sammiches are generally pretty yummy. boy was i right! this sammich consisted of grilled chicken, roasted eggplant, sun dried tomato tapenade, and parmesean on ciabatinna, but when i had ordered it, they ran out of the ciabatinna so i had wheat bread instead. methinks just as good. their sammiches came with a side of salad with a light balsamic vinaigrette.

look at the chunks of chicken and roasted eggplant! yummmy!

my friend had the red cow sammich which consisted of roast beef, capers, tomato, and aoli on wheat bread as well. this sammich is normally served on a baguette, but they were out. i don't know if that would have made any difference because the flavors were just plain bland. i wouldn't ever order this, and i don't suggest you do either.

pretty to look at, but meh in da mouth.

they also have a great cheese store that sells all kinds of cheeses, olives, wines, etc....next time, i'm coming back for the rivoli sammich AND i'm taking home a slice or two of artisan cheese. i'm also glad it's a dog friendly cafe cuz it just don't make no sense to have a cafe in silverlake and not invite the dogs. it really doesn't.

Say Cheese Cafe
2800 Hyperion Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027
(323) 665-0545
http://www.saycheeselosangeles.com/

price: $$
verdict: tasty, try it!