my tongue was assaulted at chego :(

it is rare for me to travel out to the westside when there's a plethora of still to be conquered eats east of the 10 freeway. but when i do find myself out there, you betcha i'm going to hit up some places that i've been itching to try....like chego. oh, chego. chego is roy choi's kogi meets korean rice bowl venture and is located in a strip mall in palms, a stone's throw away from culver city. if it wasn't for the sudden horrible parking in the middle of an apartment filled/strip mall street, you would have never known that the master behind the kogi truck has set up shop here.

restaurant front. imagine long lines out the door if you don't eat insanely early dinners like me.

the belly of this restaurant is rather small and cramped. a wall of mirrors tricks your mind into thinking there's a vast open space, but there really isn't. if you are not one of the lucky ones to nab a spot along the wall or the sides which allows you to sit and eat, then you stand up and chow along the long communal table located in the middle like a row of birds.

my friend and i started off with the charred asparagus ($5) which had extremely potent flavors cranked with a side of ADD. there was a super charge of acid and salt that i did not like and which made me pretty nervous about the food to follow.

because by then, i had already regretted my order of the buttered kimchi chow ($7) which was a heavy bowl of shlacked on kimchi piled on a mound of rice. i understand the salty nature of kimchi, but did not enjoy the sour, fattiness on top of that. seriously, if all i can taste from my main bowl of sustenance is salt, sour, and heat, then this belly is going to die a hungry death.

my friend ordered the one chubby pork belly bowl ($8) which tasted SLIGHTLY better, but still just as eww. i LOVE pork belly, but i don't love fucked up uncharred pork belly. it's like eating a blob of uncooked fat with a shlack of sauce on it. why do it? is your muffin top not billowy enough? bleh.

we also ordered a side of ooey gooey fries ($5) because i read good things about them but wish i didn't. there goes another five dollars. not only do these fries pale in comparison to the frysmith truck, they also belong in the category of overly salty and sour eats at chego. i ate a few bites and threw them away.

in general, i enjoy roy choi's intense culinary flavors in a taco because they are small, bite sized, but then you're done with it. however, once it's placed in a big ole rice bowl, the extremely salty, spicy, and oftentimes sour flavors attack your tongue in a most unpleasant way and you are eons and eons away from being "done with it" cuz the damn bowl is kinda big. even though i grew up respecting the rice bowl so i would always eat everything i was given even though i was full, i could not do it here at chego. i threw most of the food away and drove home thirsty and hungry. man, that sucked.

Chego
3300 Overland Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90034
(310) 287-0337

www.eatchego.com

price: $
verdict: hells no!

for the dogs...literally

The Park Bench Cafe
17732 Goldenwest St
Huntington Beach, CA 92647
(714) 842-0775
http://www.parkbenchcafe.com/

price: $$
verdict: hells no!

thank you sweet buddha for a much needed three day weekend! woot! an extra day meant extra playing time with my doo doo head charlie so off we went with our friend to the huntington dog beach for some water romping and ass sniffing...er, for him, not me. i don't like smelling any bitches' ass.

everybody and their bitches' momma must have had the same idea because the beach was hella crowded! it was hard not to come into accidental contact with a snout or a hairy man arm....even worse, a hairy wet man's arm. ewww.....

i had fun doggy watching and chit chatting, but i can't say the same for charlie. he practically had to be dragged through the water which he hates. he's also very skittish and ran away from everything...even chihuahuas...but of course after they run away, he would run after them and bark like he's da shit. man, that boy fronts too much. then it was time to grub. i found a place nearby that also catered to four legged yaps yaps which seemed perfect for my charlie day today.

their doggy menu. get the woof out! awesome!

human food, NOT so awesome. i ordered a tuna melt on sour dough bread with a side of pasta salad. holy shit, what the fuck did i put into my mouth?! that was disgusting!! the pasta salad tasted like pasta that was not drained well which meant a watery oily mix with 99 cent store sliced salami and old cheese. it was BAD. ugh. don't let the picture fool you. you know we've all been fooled by things that looked decent before.

my friend's guacamole burger was JUST as DISGUSTING. the meat patty tasted like it was boiled in water and then dumped on flimsy buns with no seasoning whatsoever. mid bite, the burger crumbled. all i could do was shake my head...ick.

on the other hand, charlie was thrilled with his peanut butter doggy snack. it looked cute right?

"grrr....i want my cookie mommy"

"please mommy? i'm being very patient here..."

"mmm, grrr...yes, i love to eat so much!" *burp*

unlike charlie who likes to eat his doo doo, plastic, and paper, i DID NOT enjoy my meal here at park bench cafe. the food was literally for the dogs. ill.

dry, not moist. whut?!

Van Bakery

1000 E. Broadway Ave.

Glendale, CA 91205

(818) 548-1000

price: $

verdict: hells no!

if you need a good sponge to clean your house, i have the perfect one for you. it's called the coffee roll at van bakery. yep, confused? so was i. i thought i bought a slice of cake, but instead, i must have bought a piece of sponge. it was so dry when i ate it that it sucked up all the moisture from my tongue as soon as it touched it. but you see, like a true foodie, i gave it many tries. one bite, two bites, three...almost gone and it STILL tasted like styrofoam with greasy frosting. i couldn't quite persist anymore and did the one thing chinese folks don't like to do...throw away food. i threw that shit away.

was that the only craptastic baked good i had there? oh no, i also bought cheese and philly cream cheese rolls. both had super flaky shells made from phyllo dough i suspect. mmm, a good start. but unbeknownst to me, there must be a cheese AND philly cream cheese shortage in this world because the thinnest of thinnest layers of filling were in these rolls and 90% of what you ate was the crust.

all three items came out to be $3. not bad at all right...until i realize that i threw most of it away.

salt bricks

Burrito King Sunset
2109 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(213) 484-9859

price: $
verdict: hells no!

i think i just ate a salt brick that looked like a burrito. gross. i'm quite sure i will be shitting salt crystals pretty soon.

STAY AWAY! consider this a public service announcement.

cheesecake poop

Kee Wah Bakery
729 W Garvey Ave
Monterey Park, CA 91755
(626) 281-2680
www.keewah.us

price: $
verdict: hells no!

kee wah makes me go waa waa boo hoo! like a baby that was spanked for pooping in my diapers. talk about shitty food and unnecessary spanking of the digestive tract.

i went to kee wah because a friend told me they had the best japanese style cheesecake ever. since i'm always willing to try new places, i went there and bought their cheesecake as well as a shredded pork boa. WRONG MOVE. the cheesecake gave me the shits. YUP. i am quite sure that was the culprit. and the shredded pork boa...*shudders* there is a thick shlack of mayo on top so the shredded pork can adhere to the boa...it reminded me of a reverse hamburger bun. i am so grossed out just thinking of it.

no reason to come back. if i want to get the shits, i will go lick a public toilet bowl. nasty.

casa nasty

Casa Carmelkorn
19 Fishermans Wharf
Monterey, CA 93940
(831) 655-2331

price: $
verdict: hells no!

sometimes, i'm a victim of rash decisions. when it comes to hunger, it is pretty obvious that these types of decisions can get pretty gross. i don't care if i find a piece of hair on it, if there's a slight hint of mold, or a faint stench permeating from the said food. if i'm hungry, i'm going to eat whatever is dead and close by to satiate THE HUNGER. ahhh, my patronage at casa carmelkorn had a hint of desperation as well.

after eating dinner at passionfish, i went to the wharf to walk off my newly acquired big belly. since i didn't order dessert there, i had a gnarly sweet tooth and casa carmelkorn happened to be the closest thing to me at that time to satiate my sweet craving. i saw the huge pile of caramel corn displayed by their window and thought of cracker jacks... i was immediately lulled in.

ugh, why did i behave like such a desperate sugar junkie? i could have literally walked down a few more storefronts to carousel to get my carmel corn fix. instead, i bought the first sweet thing i saw at casa carmelkorn which turned out to be stale, hard, and teeny weeny. i ended up eating a handful of the carmel corn and fed the rest to a family of raccoons i saw begging by the rocks.

nasty maggie

Maggie's Donuts
2612 6th St
Los Angeles, CA 90057
(213) 383-1511

price: $
verdict: hells no!

maggie's donuts is a place you patronize because you feel ABSOLUTELY desperate. desperate for coffee, desperate for donuts, or desperate for a sandwich. as you should know, anything involving the word desperate usually ain't a good thing.

i come here when i can't find coffee ANYWHERE or can't drive too far due to time constraints. it is the last, absolute last place on earth for me to get my cup of joe because their coffee tastes like crap. i don't willingly drink this shizz because it's like bad instant coffee dripped into a dirty cup. their sweet pastries suck too. the donuts are dry and stale and their fruit filled pastries have a pathetic scoop of preserved berries in the middle, and a tiny scoop at that. no thanks!

messed up miyako

Miyako
2212 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(213) 483-4939

price: $$
verdict: hells no!

have you ever gotten so hungry that you feel like you are about to faint? the kind that makes your head hurt and your belly churn? tonight, i got so hungry, i wanted to die.

i had to stay super late at work and it extended well into my typical 5pm dinner time. at 7pm, i finally left work and rushed to miyako. i was hungry and i wanted sushi. i remembered reading some good reviews about miyako and since it's so close to my hood too, i was ready to have it save me from starvation.

first of all, it has a "b" rating sign hanging from its doors. but i thought, what the heck, i've eaten some pretty sketchy street food from various third world asian countries before...this restaurant can't be any worse. the restaurant itself is small and was in total disarray! there was a table of patrons that had children running all over the place. they also brought in their cups full of 7-eleven icee...ghetto. the cashier was overwhelmed with phone orders so my plan to order take-out was quickly thwarted. since i wanted to eat as fast as possible and foregoing sushi was not an option at this point, i promptly plopped my booty down at the sushi bar. gawd, the wait at the sushi bar was just as bad.

seriously, the whole staff was overwhelmed and i'm so suprised too because i was told that they've been in business for 7 years now. really?! then why the heck are you guys such a mess?! the two grandpas behind the sushi bar were likeable, but i got the grandpa that did triple duty as cashier, waiter, AND sushi guy. not once did i witness him wash his hands after touching all types of crap. good gawd i prayed i wouldn't get the shits midway through my meal.

in terms of the food, i ordered a spicy tuna handroll, albacore, maguro, scallop sushi, and a scallop handroll. the only redeeming quality about miyako is the scallop sushi...omg, so good. the scallops were sweet and grandpa balanced the scallops well with a light coating of mayo and smelt eggs. if i ever become insane enough, i would go back just for their scallop sushi.

i REALLY, REALLY wanted to like miyako. it would have been perfectly convenient for me to have a good sushi joint closer to home. but alas, life is not always perfect or convenient.

where bad sushi multiplies....*shudders*

whacked out taco taste

Taco Laguna
211 Broadway
Laguna Beach, CA 92651

price: $
verdict: hells no!

coming from l.a. where great mexican food for cheaps is readily available really spoils you. somehow when we got down to laguna beach for pageant of the masters, i thought i could find the same. so naive i am. i had a burrito craving and a quick stroll around the area yielded taco laguna. for $7.34, i got a wet carne asada burrito and a small drink. great deal right? great deal until the first bite that is. *sigh*

the meat was cut up into tiny chunks. at one point, i had to inspect the meat to see if it was ground beef instead. nope. they also used this whacked out cheese in the burrito which gave the burrito a whacked out cheese taste. overall, not tasty but i was too hungry to protest.

the only redeeming quality about the food is that it didn't give me diarrhea. it gets an extra one star for that.

smelly fish

Sorafune Restaurant
610 E Garvey Ave
Monterey Park, CA 91755
(626) 280-7752

price: $$
verdict: hells no!

ok, let me bring back some perspective on these high ratings. first of all, while i dined, something smelled fishy there. yeah, i know, it's a sushi joint, BUT it shouldn't smell like one though! ugh. the smell lingered and it was unsettling to my appetite.

the service was slow. the servers were nice and all, but i had to raise my hand like a school child in order to order our meal, get more iced water, follow up on a spicy tuna hand roll order which they forgot, and to get the check at the end of the meal. that was way too much hand raising for the night. my armpit got a cramp.

i ordered the sushi dinner which had 6 pieces of sushi (salmon, mackerel, smelt eggs, salmon eggs, shrimp, albacore) and a tuna cut roll. we also ordered two orders of uni at MP (market price) and a spicy tuna hand roll. *sigh* totally underwhelming. the fish were fresh, but they were not of good quality. the wasabi dots they put in the sushi were inconsistent. sometimes you got a lot which burned your nose, and other times, there were none at all.

i did not get a chance to try their tempura which looked amazing but given the other factors mentioned, it doesn't seem worth another visit just to try their tempura or a terriyaki beef/ salmon dish. when i'm at a sushi joint, i want sushi. if you are curious about the food here, their business hours are:

monday: closed
tuesday: closed for lunch, dinner from 5-10pm
wednesday-saturday: 11:30-2:30 for lunch, 5-10pm for dinner
sunday: 11:30-2:00 for lunch, 5-8:30pm for dinner

good luck with the fishy smell, sub par sushi, and the slow service!

dead fish leaves bad taste

Pescado Mojado
610 S Rampart Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90057
(213) 480-6620

price: $
verdict: hells no!

this place seriously lacks....soggy rice, dry fish, stale chips, old lettuce, and...and...it just sucks alright. i've had better in its price range and the restaurant can use a broom and a mop.

say no to PES MO!

floating pieces of crap

A'Float Sushi
87 E Colorado Blvd
Pasadena, CA 91105
(626) 792-9779

price: $$
verdict: hells no!

after a long day of shopping, my sis and i ended our hard work with some sushi. i remembered that many moons ago, i came here with friends so i suggested this restaurant to her because i thought she might find it "fun."

the food was yuck! man! worse than i remembered. not only did everything look like it sat out too long, but most of the dishes had mayo in it so what a deadly combo. i've gone to enough sushi joints to know when something looks/tastes fresh and is of good quality...the sushi served here had none of that. the fish had all died in vain!! we both walked away tonight with stomach aches. i sure wished some of those boats had tipped over....

never again. i should have used my dinner money to buy another pair of flats.

joyless to the world, the shits have come

Joy Mart
137 Japanese Village Plaza Mall
Los Angeles, CA 90012
(213) 680-9868
www.littletokyorestaurant.com/jo...

price: $$
verdict: hells no!

rather than eating at joy mart, here's what you can do with your $15.

-go buy something in the village. perhaps a random knick knack to add to your clutter.
-snacks at najiya market. i recommend the crunky bar. it's a tasty and crunchy, not crunky chocolate bar.
-save it. the economy is going into recession.

i won't go as far as to say the food was inedible, but the taste factor SERIOUSLY lacked. after eating their not so fresh sashimi, i was suprised we all didn't go home with the runs. no thanks. joy mart is joyless....tisk, tisk.