too hip to be square

Square One Dining
4854 Fountain Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029
(323) 661-1109
http://www.squareonedining.com/

price: $$
verdict: omg, i love it!

i've heard about this place a lot, mainly because their sweet breakfast plates are suppose to be willy wonka awesomeness in your mouth. not suprising to me at all, when we got there, it was a 25 minute wait. not bad considering that it is a rather small establishment. as i pressed my face against their window drooling at what people were eating, i overheard a teenager whining (a lot) to her dad that she didn't want to wait and how HUNGRY she was....so he slapped her. oops, i meant i would have slapped her. the father just absorbed the whining and kept going in and out of the restaurant to inquire about their wait. good lord. *slap* *slap*

my friends and i were finally seated in their outdoor patio area. the sun was particularly blazing that day so the three of us huddled around a shared umbrella from another table that threw a bit of shade our way. NEXT time, i'm eating inside. FUCK the california sunshine. we were also harassed by flies which meant a flurry of swatting gestures which resulted in two water glasses being knocked over. don't get me wrong, the patio is cute and you get an ominous scientology building looming over you like a big blue thumb, but i would rather not have to use my karate kid fly catching skills as i eat.

everything on the menu looked delicous and being the breakfast whore that i am, it was really hard to decide...until i'm reminded by my friends that i can always come back again. man, my friends are so smart!

i settled on the egg pressed sandwich with tomatoes, arugala, and aioli with a side of salad. um, holy yumminess! i know the sammich sounds simple and all, but the eggs were PERFECTLY cooked. it was not overcooked or undercooked..did i already mention that it was perfectly cooked? the fluffy eggs laid between my 5 grain toasted bread slices like layers and layers of a soft egg cloud. i was super happy with this one.

i want another bite!

i was also able to taste one of my friend's order, the chorizo omelette. mmmm...spicy and again, the eggs were PERFECTLY cooked. very delcious, but i liked my sammich better.

the three of us decided to share an order of their brioche french toast with pecan topping and vanilla whipped cream. holy moly this shit was DELICIOUS!!! perfect crust to the french bread with a soft bready center, sweet pecans that reminded me of a delicious pecan pie, and vanilla whipped cream with flecks of vanilla bean in it. the french toast was an awesome way to have a taste of dessert for breakfast. now i can't wait to come back and try their french toast with seasonal fruit toppings and other ooh la la egg dishes. great breakfast/brunch spot!

jit the eff out jitlada!

Jitlada Thai Restaurant
5233 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027
(323) 663-3104

price: $$
verdict: not worth my time

once upon a time, there was a hungry belly named bagnatic. she went to hollywood to seek out thai food with her friends, not to seek out tricks as she was apt to do at this particular village. she suggested jitlada because it sounded legendary from other food enthusiasts and like a lemming, she took her friends in search of this little taste of bang cock in hollywood. how appropriate.

the village that jitlada is located in has horrible parking for water buffalo drawn carts. in fact, you might have to park a few lis down, but lo and behold, a space opened up for their cart and off the three travelers went to nourish their travel worn bodies.

upon entering jitlada, it was obvious that those that served this bang cock had no work ethic. although this food stop was EMPTY, the workers did not acknowledge that guests had entered their premises and actually pretended that they did not exist. even though eye contact was made, nobody made the effort to welcome the three hungry travelers. being the feisty beyatch that bagnatic was, she yelled out "hi, how are you!" hoping that it was enough of a ruckus to get noticed. it was. they were seated and food ordering commenced.

bagnatic ordered a thai iced tea. it was punishingly sweet. she regretted not bringing her own water gourd filled with plain water to swap out this overly sweetened tea.

bagnatic then ordered the steamed mussels which were indeed legendary. the mussels were frighteningly large like hormone injected meat pillows in a shell. the broth that they were stewed in was deliciously sour with a mighty fine kick to the tongue. she enjoyed this a lot. in fact, she would have bathed herself in this juice if it had been appropriate to disrobe at that time. intrigued by these mussels, bagnatic shoved them into her mouth in rapid succession with total disregard of her companions' needs. she recalled knocking their chopsticks away with ninja swiftness if she saw them hovering over the mussels.

meat pillows. bagnatic persuaded a few to jump into her mouth.

the curry chicken was acceptable but not noteworthy. in fact, it was clear that a chicken disease had swept through the village because there was an obvious chicken shortage. only a few pieces of chicken actually made it into the curry. perhaps what was left of the cluck clucks were reserved for royalty.

everything else after these two dishes were complete disasters. the chicken fried rice was completely soggy and appeared to have come straight out of the village dump. to have soggy fried rice is a cardinal sin and god will smote all soggy fried rice makers. to top this off, it was soggy AND oily. will god do a double smote? will he? please say yes prayed bagnatic. please god, say yes.

the worse dear friends was this disgusting mango sticky rice. imagine a mound of sugar masquerading itself as sticky rice and you will be eating what these three friends had that day. sickenly, punishingly sweet. a few bites was enough to convince our travelers to cease and desist consumption. NOW.

overall, jitlada was not a worthy food stop for bagnatic and her companions especially because of the wretched service they received. even the mouth watering mussels will not persuade bagnatic to return. off her belly goes for other adventures!

101 express, not freeway

101 Noodle Express
1408 E Valley Blvd
Alhambra, CA 91801
(626) 300-8654

price: $
verdict: tasty, try it!

i normally don't get too embarassed taking food pics. in fact, it feels rather natural now. food comes out, i take out my camera, i take a few pics, and then i stuff face. very routinized i must say and no longer out of the ordinary. but when i'm with old chinese folks, i get VERY embarassed. there's something about the way they look at you (especially when they think you're strange and god knows i'm no stranger to strange) that makes me feel like i was caught peeing in my pants. last time at 101 noodle express, i supressed my urge to take pics because of these stares, BUT today, i donned my "who the fuck cares" face and took pictures as the food came out. TAKE THAT OLD PEOPLE! i still got the looks but i did not pee in my pants.

this noodle joint is situated in a strip mall right next to a cheapy bowling alley. it is known for it's lamb and chicken noodles which is a must order when you go there. we got both last time and it was good, though nothing to praise jesus about. it was a hearty dish and the lamb was super tender and did not have the stink of badly cooked lamb.

this time, we did not order any noodles and instead went for three simple dishes. we ordered this "lang poon" which in cantonese means "cold plate." if you look closely, there's four sections of coldness. the edamame, greens, and dried tofu section at the top, the spicy beef tendon on your right, a serving of seaweed with sesame seeds (it tasted old today) at the bottom, and spicy pig ears to your left. this is one of my favorite eats at 101.

the beef roll is also a MUST ORDER. if you don't, it's like going to disneyland but not seeing the castle or going to las vegas but not visiting any casinos. that's ridiculous says me. ridiculous. so order it. anyways, THE beef roll is a flat piece of scallion pancake filled up with thinly sliced beef, parsley, and green onions and then rolled up like a wrap. this heifer is super oily though and will leave a grease print on your fingers and your lips, but it is rather delicous. i have been told by the old folks that it's the best place to get these beef rolls in da sgv. i believe them because they are old.

another greasy bite!

we also ordered a plate of pan fried pork and leek dumplings which was NO bueno. NO! a pan fried dumpling should have a nice, firm, crusty bottom, but these were soggy and soft. NOBODY likes saggy soft bottoms do they? the filling was also bland and the leeks left a little stink in the air. if you can't already tell, i did not enjoy these dumplings.

i do suggest you come here for their lamb noodles, the cold plate, and their beef rolls. i can't vouch for their dumplings though since i've had them twice and twice they were bleh (perhaps that's why they are called noodle express and not dumpling express...just a thought). anyways, yummy cheap eats at 101 so go get yourself a table! you will most likely have to wait because it's popular with the locals as well and cash only.

for the dogs...literally

The Park Bench Cafe
17732 Goldenwest St
Huntington Beach, CA 92647
(714) 842-0775
http://www.parkbenchcafe.com/

price: $$
verdict: hells no!

thank you sweet buddha for a much needed three day weekend! woot! an extra day meant extra playing time with my doo doo head charlie so off we went with our friend to the huntington dog beach for some water romping and ass sniffing...er, for him, not me. i don't like smelling any bitches' ass.

everybody and their bitches' momma must have had the same idea because the beach was hella crowded! it was hard not to come into accidental contact with a snout or a hairy man arm....even worse, a hairy wet man's arm. ewww.....

i had fun doggy watching and chit chatting, but i can't say the same for charlie. he practically had to be dragged through the water which he hates. he's also very skittish and ran away from everything...even chihuahuas...but of course after they run away, he would run after them and bark like he's da shit. man, that boy fronts too much. then it was time to grub. i found a place nearby that also catered to four legged yaps yaps which seemed perfect for my charlie day today.

their doggy menu. get the woof out! awesome!

human food, NOT so awesome. i ordered a tuna melt on sour dough bread with a side of pasta salad. holy shit, what the fuck did i put into my mouth?! that was disgusting!! the pasta salad tasted like pasta that was not drained well which meant a watery oily mix with 99 cent store sliced salami and old cheese. it was BAD. ugh. don't let the picture fool you. you know we've all been fooled by things that looked decent before.

my friend's guacamole burger was JUST as DISGUSTING. the meat patty tasted like it was boiled in water and then dumped on flimsy buns with no seasoning whatsoever. mid bite, the burger crumbled. all i could do was shake my head...ick.

on the other hand, charlie was thrilled with his peanut butter doggy snack. it looked cute right?

"grrr....i want my cookie mommy"

"please mommy? i'm being very patient here..."

"mmm, grrr...yes, i love to eat so much!" *burp*

unlike charlie who likes to eat his doo doo, plastic, and paper, i DID NOT enjoy my meal here at park bench cafe. the food was literally for the dogs. ill.

another yummy 30th

El Caserio (in Silverlake)
401 Silver Lake Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(213) 273-8945
http://www.elcaseriola.com/

price: $$
verdict: tasty, try it!

recently, my friend turned 30. he had a hard time with turning 3 decades old and still alive i guess so when i organized his birthday as i usually am apt to do amongst our group of friends, i decided to hold it at el caserio. it's a cute place with a schizophrenic identity, like it's not quite sure if it wants to serve latin foods or italian so it does both. it's also close to the 101 freeway just in case he wanted to run into traffic to end it all. yeah, i know, i'm a good friend.

from tuesday through friday, they have happy hour which means 1/2 off on cocktails and beer. i immediately ordered myself a mojito. blah! not tasty at all! sir mix-a-lot at the bar did a crappy job with it. the whole drink was bitter and lacked the mint fragrance that normally infuses a good mojito. but i downed that shit anyways figuring that i might possibly get a light buzz? i did not. boo!

crusty bread with soft insides served at the beginning of the meal. i am the quintessential bread whore and really dug this bread A LOT. i believe my friends had to pry the communal loaf from my kung-fu grip in order to get themselves a slice. greedy bastards!! but yummy...mmm....

a nice limey shrimp ceviche to share. i thought the endive leaves were a nice touch.

shrimp saltado. my intention was to get a salad, but the salad turned into a big peruvian plate of crusty thin fries cooked in a tomato sauce with shrimp. how the heck did that happen?! it was rather tasty and fulfilled my french fry craving for the month. i would order this again...that is if i wanted to clog my arteries and die sooner rather than later.

the dinner was a nice one and i believe it was a great way to convince the birthday boy that turning 30 isn't so bad after all. besides, the 30's are the new 20's and life only gets more interesting anyways.

caught between a bottlerock and a hard place

BottleRock
1050 S Flower St.# 167
Los Angeles, CA 90015
(213) 747-1100
http://www.bottlerock.net/

price: $$
verdict: omg, i love it!

every once in a while, i have a spectacularly crappy friday that requires a lot of indulgent activities to forget. this past friday was one of those days....oh how irked i be!

not allowing myself to wallow in negative energy, i called a friend up and we headed straight for bottlerock to do a little bit of spirit lifting with some liquid spirits. what a great choice it was too because bottlerock is a super cool, hip, delicious place in downtown with various nooks and crannies for an utmost chillaxin' experience. i felt like i was sitting in the middle of bevmo or something, but cooler.

we got there 1/2 hour before the curtain closed on happy hora. good thing too because i ordered a chardonnay and a malbec for a great price per glass to get me those fuzzy fire water feelings. delicious!

we also ordered 2 delicious happy hour eats. the pricing was more than happy. i love shit priced at $5. seriously.

the green curry mussels were OFF THE HOOK. super plump, juicy, and fresh. i jocked that curry sauce like a curry virgin and sopped that sauce up with bread until every drop was gone. magnificent.

we also ordered the antipasto, a selection of cheeses, cured meats, candied walnuts, and olives so that i can nibble as i sipped me wino. lovely.

understanding that this dinner was meant to heal the spirit, we decided to order as much as our stomaches could handle. we started with the chicken ballontine which was a round of roasted chicken breast stuffed with meats, pistachios, and sweetbread. this fancy turduken-esque inspired chicken was accompanied by a mustard seed sauce, vinegared cucumbers and carrots, and a pistachio foam. the entire dish is a "cold" dish and reminded me of a vietnamese meat patty we eat called "zaw (rhymes with jaw)." after a quick conversation with the server, it is clear that most of the dishes are asian inspired even down to the marinated cucumbers and carrots which tastes like the condiments you get in a banh mi. it was tasty!

we then ordered the pork belly risotto which was THE BEST DAMN DISH of the night. the portion is small so don't expect to get full from it if that is all you plan to eat, but the taste is larger than life. in my opinion, it's ideal to have a smaller portion size for this decadent dish or else it is way too much. seriously, how many globs of fat can you eat? the pork belly is uber fatty and the risotto was aldente and creamy. it's topped off with dried shredded pork (that i use to eat as a poor college student) with a side of pig ear terrine. spicy greens topped the dish to cut through the fattiness of the dish. it's like my mom's home cooking gone to culinary school. this dish is a must if you like pork belly. so freakin' good!

yes please! directly into my pie hole!

the roasted half chicken. full entree which was delicious in its own right, but nothing to make deals with the devil for. this dish could have been excluded from our friday gorge fest.

bone marrow with fried capers and sweetened onions. again, you have to like fatty tasting things. the bone marrow tasted like globs of vasaline to me. even if you were to spread that on bread, all you really did was make vasaline bread. i've had them better elsewhere, so this dish could have been skipped as well. the fried capers were excellent though. truly excellent especially since i've never tried them prepped this way.

the whole meal concluded with a cakey chocolate chip cookie sandwich with vanilla ice cream courtesy of milk creamery. probably not neccessary for the overextended bellies of ours, but it was important to me that we ended this particular friday on a sweet note...and it was. thanks bottlerock!

no more pining for pioneer chix

Pioneer Chicken
4376 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90029
323) 663-2441

price: $
verdict: not worth my time

once in a while, i recall a food memory that connects very closely to my heart and pioneer chicken belongs in one of those greasy heart string categories. when i see this sign (graffiti and all), i think of my pops and how he would take my sis and i for a pioneer chix run when we were but wee lasses. we usually ended up getting a piece of thigh and/or corn on the cobb. mmmm...it was so delicious back then....so delicious.

funny looking fat man riding in a conestoga.

15 years later from my last bite as a pubescent teen, my heartstring throbbed for some pioneer chicken. as i drove down sunset, i decided to drop in and pick some up for me and my pops, reversing the pioneer chicken story for once. lookie daddy i have a job! i can buy you chicken! $2.99 for a two piece chicken combo and a buttermilk biscuit. yeah i spoils him a lot.

i was greeted by two lone corn on the cobbs. it begged to be bought and i did. me = sucka.

in mounting anticipation, i picked up a box of fried chix. but MAN was i disappointed when those greasy wangs touched my lips! i recalled such good flavors!!!! but the greasiness was unforgiveable and the flavor of the supposedly awesome skin was just plain bland. where the hell did my journey down memory lane turn so craptastic?! instead of eating a piece of crispy chicken delight, i tasted a piece of chicken encased in an oily sponge. KFC is so much better. THERE, i said it. my memory of pioneer was officially shattered :(

i also picked up some fried livers and gizzards thinking that it might mean a party in my mouth. no. wrong. abort mission. greasy fried fuckers they were!

a buttermilk biscuit that lacked the softness and buttery-ness that i had fondly recalled. :(

a lackluster corn on the cobb. perhaps waiting way too long under those wire coils did them in. ill.

maybe everything tasted sooooo good because my pops had bought it for us and especially cuz he held our hands when he bought it. maybe next time, i need to bring my pops and ask him to hold my hand again. perhaps.